Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
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When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
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