Phyllis Diller Quotes About Husband
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
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Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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