Rodney Dangerfield Quotes About Comedy
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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